When Faith Shakes: A Journey of Healing and Reconnection
How 3 years of untangling led to renewed faith, healing and creativity.
There are moments in life that wake you up—sometimes gently, like the light that comes into your window in the morning, and other times they can jolt you like a shock of electricity. For me, the last few years have been filled with both. Moments that made me wonder and question everything, moments that left me rethinking and unlearning, and moments that—though painful—planted seeds of healing and freedom I didn’t even know I was looking for.
In this post, I’ll be sharing:
How two powerful wake-up calls helped me unlearn, heal from spiritual abuse, and rebuild my faith and creativity.
Reflections on living intentionally in a culture that often pulls us away from our values and beliefs.
20 Practical tools, books, and resources that have are still are helping me heal, grow, and refresh my faith and find creativity again.
«Because this is deeply personal, free subscribers will only see a snippet, with the full post for those who are paid subscribers»
I’ve can remember two distinct points in my life that it felt like someone was breathing a fresh wind on me. Where I’d felt shaken out of a trance. Times where from the outside everything looked great, but inside I was struggling. You ever been there? You’re doing all the “right” things—showing up, checking the boxes—but deep down, you’re wondering, what’s the point of all this?
Both of these times, completely changed me.
The First Shaking
The first time I felt this strong feeling, I was still in college, juggling my “dream” job as an assistant buyer in beauty and skincare while finishing school. On the surface, it was a beauty girlies dream— testing products, having a fast-paced career, and outwardly thriving. Inside, I was asking deeper questions, disconnected from the joy I “should” have. At this time in my life, faith felt far away from me. The short story is that although I had grown up with a strong foundation of faith, I was transitioning into my own becoming. I was no longer able to hold on to my parent’s faith anymore. I was asking all the questions I found hard to answer, I was wrestling with the structures of faith I had seen growing up.
I grew up in a loving home, where my parents encouraged our creativity and a personal faith experience. Yet the church culture I was in was very rigid. In it were unhealthy undertones—marked by legalism, misuse of power, and unbiblical expectations that fed into my people pleasing ways—leaving me practically running from my faith as soon as I turned 18. From 18 to 25, I put faith on the back burner. I wasn’t sure in what I believed anymore. I felt completely disconnected.
It didn’t look like it but I life was about to be shaken up for me. In this very place - in what felt like the middle of my mess - is exactly where I felt God meet me.
It wasn’t audible or flashy—it was instead a gentle knowing, a surety in my heart, that God was with me. An invitation impressed on me with this question - “Why are you asking everyone else where to go, who to be, or what to do except the One who created you?” As I begin to unravel this thought and question, I found myself over time seeking and learning who God really was and gaining connection back to myself. It would also lead me to starting Spoonful of Faith -- which significantly changed the trajectory of my life and propel my career as a professional artist and creative.
This showed me that in an instant, life can shift in an instant. Things can happen and certainly change everything we are used to. But also God can come in, share one sentence at the right time and awaken you to a new path.
In 2024, I think many of us are holding so much. We’re navigating the weight of it all, trying to figure out what to focus on, how to take care of ourselves and those around us. We’re losing human connection and struggling to figure out what it looks like to live with intention and purpose in a commercially driven, results-oriented world.
It’s easy to fall into the routines and systems of this world, but we are called to live differently. To live intentionally. To follow a narrow path that often leads us away from what we’ve always known. Sometimes, it takes the shaking moments to remind us to wake up out of this. It takes those wake-up calls to nudge us back to being intentional—about what we believe and how we show that through the lives we live.
That kind of living often means stepping into new territory, following the breadcrumbs, and trusting the quiet whispers of our Creator’s voice. It’s not always comfortable to take that road, but transformation is almost always on the other side.
The Next Shake
I had another life shifting “wake up” just three years ago. This time it happened in the years where a lot of the world was shaking as well. It was in the middle of 2021. I felt like I was just checking off the boxes, doing things in an obligatory way, being a “good Christian.” And once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it. I felt a deep discontent with the way I was living out my faith, what I believed in, and the church I was a part of. I saw cracks in the foundation, that I had earlier overlooked—the wielding of power, control, and hypocrisy disguised as love.
I was being shaken again.
This shaking was forcing me to deal with my own beliefs —What do I truly believe? What do I stand for? How does my life reflect these truths? I knew God was giving me eyes to see, for a reason. As I looked, it felt like even my art and creativity were becoming shallow and empty. My creativity was growing dry.
And one day, I woke up and I knew. Just like all those years ago. The direction was clear. A nudge that I knew was God: “Why aren’t you living out what you believe?” and soon after another one came: “It’s time to go.”
I knew it was time to leave the church I was at, that the culture was moving in the opposite direction of where God wanted me. I remember thinking, “I don’t know where I am going, but I will trust where You tell me to go.”
Often healing cannot take place in the space you are experiencing harm.
With time, I realized I’d been in a cycle of spiritual manipulation and abuse of power - the kind that keeps you from critically thinking or trusting yourself. The kind that makes you trust people over God. The kind that as a people pleasing, perfectionist - can continue for the entirety of your life if you don’t get the help you need.
My leaving wasn’t just about walking away from that particular place —it was about untangling years of harmful beliefs, learning to trust my God given body and its responses again, and reconnecting with a faith that was honest, true, and in line with the teachings of Christ. That healing would help me to be a more authentic representation of what I believed, to no longer carry those things with me and also possibly be a voice of help to others.
Through critical thinking, studying of scripture, listening and learning from educators, theologians, mental health professionals and journal therapy — (+ many prayers, convos with other trusted family/mentors/friends) I began to see more clearly the hurt I experienced, the pain I may have bled onto others, and my way through to a more healthy, whole way of walking with Christ.
It wasn’t just my faith that shifted during that time. My creativity did, too. For so long, I’d found myself in a cycle of creating to please others. I’d been contemplating releasing my city studio, because I wasn’t really using it, but I felt stuck because it felt like a “status” I had reached and a dream I had desired for so long. As I continued to walk through my healing, I knew it was time to finally close this studio and step into the next thing.
I don’t think having an art studio defines my art practice or career, but I do think sometimes we need to let what seem like “good things” go, so we can make room for better.
The Road Forward
This shift felt like a long walk back home — to where it all started. Inching closer to who I was always created to be, to a more free, authentic, intentional version of living. Writing books over the last two years, (Sacred Creativity and Wildly Loved), became a lifeline. While I started out struggling to get the words on the page, that time helped me remember my voice, my story, and the importance of it. They helped me process, and remember that God was with me through this entire thing, even the ugly parts.
There’s been a lot of healing work done, with much still ahead. I’ve learned so much and find it is still a struggle to find safe local churches —that share in the importance of being trauma-informed, safe and accountable to what they teach and how they operate. They do exist, but it has taken time. I’m also learning not to rush, which is extremely hard for an ambitious, goal-oriented person like me. ;) Yet, I will trust God.
I’m grateful to have been surrounded with people who have truly embodied exactly what it means to be the church outside of the walls. That has been beautiful, hopeful and refreshing to my faith.
Finding Creativity Again
These days, I’m rediscovering joy in creating again. For the years I have been in what feels like transition, it has been hard to make a lot of new art. I’ve been doing a lot of processing behind closed doors, hoping to not bleed onto others while I’m doing my own personal work.
As I’ve been emerging again, I’ve been hosting art classes, connecting with others at in-person events, and exploring ways to make creativity more personal and meaningful. Quiet projects like painting for my home, writing reflections, and letting ideas grow at their own pace have brought so much life back into my work.
These times of disconnection weren’t just wake-up calls for me; they were invitations—to live more intentionally. To slow down, to ask hard questions, and to reimagine what life could look like when we awaken, challenge, and live out what we truly believe instead of going with “the way it is.” Along the way, I found my voice and my creativity, not just as tools for expression but as lifelines for my healing.
Resources That Have Helped:
As I’ve worked through my own stuff, I’ve collected from books, podcasts, and small moments of creativity to help me feel grounded again. I thought I’d share just a few of the things that have been helpful for me below:
Books I’ve Read that have brought solidarity, encouragement, education:
Faith:
Why Am I like this? by Kobe Campbell
Being a Sanctuary by Pricelis Perreaux-Dominguez
A Curious Faith by Lore Ferguson Wilbert
A Church Called TOV by Laura Barringer and Scot McKnight
Star For Jesus (And other jobs I quit) by Kimberly Stuart
Shoutin’ in the Fire by Dante Stewart
(I encourage you to dive into your own personal study of scripture. Personally, I spent about a year deeply studying the books of Luke and Acts, which helped me reconnect with my faith in meaningful ways. Resources like The Bible Project are a great starting point, but I also recommend seeking out sources that approach scripture with a well-rounded perspective—considering historical context, social and patriarchal influences, trauma-informed insights, and the broader impact of the text. This kind of study can provide a deeper and more thoughtful understanding.)
Creative:
The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron – A classic that helped me reconnect with my creative spirit.
A Heart on Fire – Danielle Coke Balfour – more of a workbook not specifically for artists, but written by a creative and very visual.
Space by Manda Carpenter – This actually helped me in managing margin and making space for things I cared about in my life/schedule
Sacred Creativity by Jena Holliday - (my book- shameless plug!) but adding it because there aren’t many books written by Black women that dive into the intersection of faith and creativity.
Everyday Creativity - Linking my creative workbook that comes out next spring. This is good for actionable resources to jumpstart your creative juices and get into motion from a faith perspective if that’s your jam.
On my To Read List: When Faith Disappoints by Lisa Fields, Try softer by Aundi Kolber; Truth & Repair – Judith Herman, The Body Keeps the Score; The New Testament in Color Church Girl by Sarita Lyons, Black Liturgies by Cole Arthur Riley, Art & Faith by Makoto Fujimara, Start with Hello by Shannan Martin
Podcasts:
Art/ Creative
The Rough Concept by Melarie Odelusi - this is interview style and shares different artists stories and their process of creation
God is My Creative Director - this is interview style, but with some major BIPOC players in the creative scene and their stories of faith + creativity.
Faith
Broken To Beloved by Brian Lee - Practical resources and conversations on how to move forward in healing from Spiritual abuse and religious trauma
Theologically Fashioned by Monica Ritchie - thoughtful conversations on breaking off wrong theology and how to work through what you believe
Holy/Hurt Podcast - this is focused on being a resource for those working through trauma, abuse within faith systems but very trauma informed and does not use “churchy” language
With the Perrys - honest, biblically, theologically sound, discipleship style conversations
The Bible Project – As an illustrator, I love a good visual take on often difficult to understan things. They do deep dives into scripture with context and clarity and animated storytelling.
Creative Tools that are helping me ongoing:
Journaling with prompts to process emotions and find clarity.
Painting in my journal without pressure. Keeping a sketchbook.
Mood Board making—a fun, meditative way to play with images, collage, and play and imagine what is next for you.
Ways I stay connected to my body:
Grounding exercises, deep breaths, feet on the ground.
Daily prayer journaling, brain dumps.
Driving or walking in silence, just listening to the world.
Slow morning starts of the day with 10 minute stretching - as a reminder to pause and not rush into my days.
Adding a single sentence daily/weekly about what I’m grateful for to my journal.
An Ongoing Journey
This healing process isn’t linear. For me, it’s been messy, filled with stops and starts. There are still days when I feel the weight of those wounds, but there’s also hope, growth, and new life. I can’t overlook the importance and truth that most of the heavy lifting we will do is internal - so get the help you need, whether that is therapy, community, education —work through your stuff.
My heart is with any of you who is in a similar place. Rain might come, wind might blow - but if you stay close, God will not fail you.
If you’re feeling stuck or disconnected, I want you to know you’re not alone. Healing takes time, but it’s possible. With work. Give yourself time to walk through the process. Don’t rush it. Pick up the phone, find trusted and safe community. Read the book. Educate your mind. Pray. Spend time processing with God. Trust that the little steps can lead to big shifts.
Here’s to finding hope again. Here’s to God’s faithfulness. Here’s to abiding and blooming, one step at a time.
